Sports Day

Yes everybody, my Interdepartmental Sports Day is upon us. The second most important social event on the corporate calendar is taking place this Wednesday, and quite frankly, I am BRIMMING with excitement. Last week the rigorous team selection process took place, a process which consists in allocating any willing woman, homosexual or man over 40 a place onto one of the massive, amorphous departmental rounders teams. Non-obese men between the age of 18 and 40 (plus the occasional lesbian) are then drafted into the 6-a-side teams. It's a bit like World War 2, but marginally less fun.

There is also a tennis tournament involving a selection 'high flyers' from the organisation, as well as a token nutter who claims to be an ex-pro. His woeful performance last year indicates that his claims to sporting excellence are false; yet he has once again put his name forward for this year's event. Hopefully he has recovered from the 'ligament damage' that impeded his progress in last year's competition (this is unlikely, as 'ligament damage' is no more than a euphemism for being 'a pathological liar who is also shit at tennis.')

This year the build up to sports day has been given some extra spice, as all staff attending the event have been subject to a characteristically passive-aggressive series of emails courtesy of HR. Their inappropriate use of capital letters presumably serves to let everyone know that while sports Day is a meant to be 'a bit of a laugh', any behaviour that impinges upon the smooth operation of the event WILL NOT BE TOLERATED:

"The pick up time is 12noon so make sure you are on time for a prompt departure. Note that seats have been allocated ONLY to those that have REGISTERED."

It's worth baring in mind the sports ground is a 15 minute tube journey away. This isn't the Millenium stadium that we're talking about.

"All those who are participating in the sporting activities please do NOT leave any valuables (wallet, car keys, mobile phones) in the changing rooms whilst you are playing."

For someone who owns neither a car or a wallet, this attempt at clarifying the definition of 'valuables' is borderline insulting.

FUN GAME ALERT: See if you can spot me in the photo at top of this post, it was taken at last year's sports day! I'll give you a clue, I am neither a pre-pubescent blonde boy nor a member of an ethnic minority. Good luck!