At home with Derek Acorah: Reunion

 
Last month, friend of Big Balls Derek Acorah made some bold claims to the press about the current whereabouts of missing child Madeleine McCann. The subsequent media backlash was severe, and Derek immediately went into hiding. The evening after The Sun broke the McCann story, I received a largely incoherent voicemail from longtime Acorah confidant Bruce Jones. Whilst the majority of Bruce's 47 minute message consisted of weeping and sexual threats to my person, he did manage to articulate one salient home-truth:
"Derek needs you." 

The next morning I packed my bags and boarded the first coach to Southport. I was a bag of nerves for the duration of the five hour journey. Mine and Derek's relationship had soured since we had last met, with Derek taking great offense at my unflinching depiction of his on tour antics.

When I arrived I was given a cool reception by Mrs Gwen Acorah “You’ve got some cheek showing your face around here, You broke his bloody heart!" I smiled weakly and went to embrace her, but she turned away, tears welling in her eyes "He’s out back, resting by the pool.” When I passed in to the garden I was greeted by the trademark Acorah glare.

A silence heavy with emotion settled between us. Eager to break the ice and stimulate some conversation I casually remarked: “Nice pool Derek, mind if I take a dip?” He instantly perked up, unable to hide his pride at owning a new pool. Derek was about to respond when I inadvisably continued my train of thought “But what’s with the netting and Koi carp?” The smile disappeared from his face: “Still a sarcy little cunt I see.” He then took small photo of Michael Barrymore from his wallet, whispered into my ear “remember this guy?” and walked back into his home.

After our stand-off by the pool we entered the kitchen and Acorah seemed to calm down slightly. He asked Gwen to make us all a pot of tea, turning to me and winking “Gwen makes a cracking cuppa”. This was clearly an allusion to a past indiscretion between me, himself and Gwen. If this chummy remark was meant to put me at ease, it didn’t work. I was still concerned about the strange atmosphere within Acorah’s home, but felt I had no choice but to stay. I was here to make peace, and knew that a hot drink and a couple of bourbons would help break the ice.

As I entered the living room Derek spun suddenly and pounced across the room, he was aiming flying forearm straight to my temple! I stuntrolled to my left, evading his initial attack and Derek was sent sprawling into a mahogany display cabinet, scattering Gwen's collection of glass animal figurines across the carpet. Within seconds I had him in an arm-lock, the like of which he had never seen. Derek duly tapped out and the old power-balance was restored (this is a trick I picked up from Louis Theroux, who once choked out Al Sharpton whilst filming a particularly fractious episode of ‘Weird Weekends’)

After Acorah had been fully subdued I released him from my grasp and we retired to the cream leatherette 3-piece. We sat in near silence, the only sounds coming from the occasional wet crunches that accompanied Gwen’s breathless annihilation of the bourbon biscuits.

I was now enjoying the most awkward cup of tea since Unilever broke it to the PG Tips monkeys they were being sold off for medical testing. Just as I was beginning to make my excuses the doorbell rang. Acorah bounded to the front door, it was his best friend and notorious pornographer ‘Angry’ Dave Dirt (Star of UK Gonzo mega-hit ‘Life-changing injuries with Angry Dave’).

I was aware that since I had left Acorah’s world, Dave had assumed my role as chief wing-man. This was bad news. Dave was the kind of character who would relish bringing out Acorah’s potent dark side. Both men possessed a bullish, uncompromising sexuality that was unconfined by social norms. The pair were soon trading war stories, all of which were too blue to detail here. Let’s just say that when these two stags hit the town, police, ambulance and victim support counsellor sirens are not far behind.

Despite his unsavoury tendencies I felt that Dave probably did have Derek's best interests at heart. Like me, he was here during the wacky psychic's hour of need. Dave placed a substantial arm around Derek's shoulder "You've got a gig tonight. Skegness." Acorah flinched, "I can't face it Dave, these cunts want my guts for garters" Dave roared with laughter "Let them try! They're gonna have to get through Angry Dave first! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" And that was that. The 3 musketeers were going to Skegness.

The first half hour at the venue passed without incident, and Derek seemed relaxed as he mingled and posed for photos with his fans. Me and Dave left him to it and chatted amongst ourselves, admiring Derek as he worked the theatre lobby like a pro.

A member of the group congregating around Derek soon caught my eye. There was a young, medium-attractive woman hanging on his every word. Well dressed, fragrant and with no obvious eating disorders, she seemed out of place. Out of curiosity I moved towards the group. I soon noticed why she stood out from the crowd, I was helpless as she pulled a dictaphone from her purse: "Mr Acorah, will Maddy be making an appearance tonight?"

Me and Dave bundled Derek into his dressing room, but the eager journo followed closely behind. She thrust her dictaphone back into Derek's face "Gerry and Kate McCann have branded your claims distasteful and insensitive. They say you are nothing more than a self publicist. Do you have any comments?" Derek turned to me and Dave. No words were spoken, but we all knew what he had to do to end this. He turned back to the journalist "Alright, I'll give you what you want."

After a 20 minute interview, Derek decided to write his official press release by hand. Already on his third pack of Silk Cuts that evening, he clearly resented retracting his claim that Maddie was now in the spirit world; protesting until the bitter end that "Sam saw her, she's right as rain!" Acorah picked his pen up with a heavy heart "I need to be alone". 

It had been nearly half an hour and I had not heard a peep from Derek, so I decided to check on his progress. When I entered the dressing room I was immediately unsettled by his haunched, quivering frame. All was not well. He turned his head, a hideous, inhuman grin etched on to his face. I picked the notepad from the table and recoiled in horror. The pad was now filled with a scrawled, childlike font that had began to tear through the pages. Sentences upon sentences had been layered on top of each other, rendering the text barely legible. All I could make out were 3 words. “She’s fucking GONE” again and again and again. Acorah slowly turned to face me, his eyes glazed. “SHE’S FUCKING GONE”

Top 5: Secret episodes

This is a new feature called 'Top 5'. It's a pretty fresh concept, so try and keep up. What I do is choose a topic, then choose my favourite things that fit that particular topic. For my first installment of the groundbreaking 'Top 5' my subject area is TV episodes that never made it to air. I won't bother explaining how I came to see all of these secret televisual treats. Lets just say Terry Wogan and regret were involved.

1. Duncan Ferguson appears on Changing Rooms

In this celebrity special, Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen makes the brave/baffling decision to gut Duncan Ferguson's living room, and redesign it in the theme of a Fabergé egg. Duncan Ferguson's reaction is priceless. During the blooper reel at the end of the episode there is some humorous footage of Ferguson removing the flamboyant interior designer's left ear with a scalpel. It is in fact the very same scalpel that was used to make the gold vinyl eggs that briefly adorned the walls of Ferguson's Glasgow home.

2. The Late night Eastender's special: Pat Butcher's Blue Diaries

In a bid to compete with Hollyoaks in the sauciness stakes, the Eastender's writers penned a series of late night specials which were intended to explore the sexy side of Albert Square in the kind of vivid detail prohibited by Ofcom in the pre-watershed hours. Predictably, the most explicit of these one-off 'erotic vignettes' was the episode focusing on the exploits of sexually weathered Pat Butcher.

The episode begins with a stony faced Pat sitting in a smoke and chintz filled living room, pouring herself a 'stiff one' as Deal or No Deal flickers in the corner. The camera cuts to the groomed, querulous features of Noel Edmonds. We then hear Pat murmur "I've had him." She slings back her drink in one gulp, and slumps into her armchair, descending into a disjointed drunken slumber.

The special is essentially a hallucinatory montage of footage from some of Pat Butcher's more memorable sexy moments. We begin with her first encounter with Frank Butcher, when Pat was just 16 years-old and the reigning 'Miss Butlins'. This is crudely juxtaposed with glimpses of her years spent on the game, working for shady club-owner/pimp Tony Cattani. In undoubtedly the most harrowing scene in the episode, we finally discover what Pat and Patrick Trueman actually got up to with that tin of Pineapple rings.

3. The alternative ending to 3rd Rock from the Sun

In this alternative final episode we discover that Dick, Tom, Sally and Harry are not in fact "aliens pretending to be humans for the purpose of a research expedition". They are just a group of actual human beings. MENTAL ONES. In this final episode the central characters are revealed to be no more than a group of everyday paranoid schizophrenics who have recently been released from a psychiatric unit. Their mutual fabrication of alien alter-egos turns out to be no more than a means of coping with the outside world. This psychotic house of cards is only brought down when their designated social worker comes over tell them that the house is being disbanded, and that they are being shipped back to Camberwell Maudsley. Their return to secure accommodation is a result of Harry (see above) repeatedly getting his cock out on the bus.

4. A heavily medicated Paul Ross guests on Saturday Kitchen


As part of the pre-release promotion of his much anticipated autobiography 'A Ross amongst the thorns', Paul Ross agreed to appear on Saturday Kitchen, despite not being much of a foodie. Unfortunately, the pre-show Chardonnay he enjoyed with host James Martin reacted badly with the course of antibiotics he had been proscribed as treatment for a chest infection. At first the studio audience were amused by Ross's plea for "lots of bloody chips", but his demands became increasingly vocal and remained audible throughout Antonio Carluccio's demonstration of how to cook the perfect ravioli. Things came to a head when Ross tackled Ken Hom to ground whilst Hom was attempting the omelette challenge. Brave Hom managed to complete the challenge after regaining the consciousness he lost as result of Ross's roughhousing. His time of 17 minutes and 5 seconds is still the slowest to date.

5. Richard O'Brien completes the Crystal Maze.

This secret episode has been mentioned previously on the blog, so obviously it makes the Top 5. One man team Richard O'Brien obtains a record amount of crystals whilst shitting all over the zones (not literally), and then employs his cat-like reflexes to extraordinary effect in the Dome. A member of the production team awards him his prize, a free helicopter lesson. Richard clearly takes this as a slap to the face, which is fair enough considering all the work he put into the show (he actually built the Aztec Zone with his own bare hands). The show ends with O'Brien soaring above the fields of Surrey, seemingly enjoying his helicopter experience. Then out of nowhere he swiftly disables his instructor with a deft karate chop. He then proceeds to deliberately crash his helicopter into Chessington World of Adventures.

Thursday 23/06/2011: Failed lunch

8.57 am

When I come into work this morning I am greeted by a 20 ft queue for the lift, and have to endure a short wait before squeezing myself on board with eight other half-recognised faces. Ten seconds in to the journey someone makes the bold decision to initiate conversation.

"I'm going to see The Killers tomorrow."

This is a great opening gambit if you wish to turn an awkward silence into a hostile one within a busy lift. There were nine of us in there and it was unclear whether he was addressing an individual or the entire group. Either way this unprovoked remark was met with the communal contempt that it deserves. No one responds and I start to feel slightly better about the day ahead.

1.36 pm

For lunch I am in the mood for a luxury burger, but am unsure if Byron is an appropriate venue for the solitary diner. Steeling myself for a loner's lunch I head out for the Charing Cross Road. When I arrive at the celebrated hamburger joint I press my face close to the restaurant’s glass front, and see clusters of media workers enjoying their tasty-looking burgers and what appears to be stimulating conversation. The queue is large, like the 20ft queue from this morning condensed into half the space. No way am I eating here. I walk away from Byron and spend forty-five minutes lurching from eatery to eatery in a daze of hunger and indecision. Having wasted virtually my entire lunch hour wandering the streets of Covent Garden, I walk briskly back to the office via the Greggs on Goodge Street, ordering a Sausage and Bean Melt and Mexican Bandit baguette. In my reluctance to say the phrase ‘Mexican bandit’ I garble my order, so have to say it twice. Due to time constraints I eat lunch at my desk, and am castigated by the furtive glances of my colleagues.

Satirical Cartoon #3 - Ken Clarke

Oh hey, what's the deal with Ken Clarke loving rapists so much? Someone needs to have a word. Oh wait, I just have. See the image below for details:


Sorry Ken, but no one is going RSVP to the rape party you are trying to organise on the streets of the UK, no matter how much money you put behind the bar.

Satirical Cartoon #2 - Greek crisis

Does anyone remember when I first started this blog? I had the intention of providing biting political satire for anyone who wanted it (and some who didn't) .

Well, 10 followers and two-and-a-half years later the emperor has well and truly got his groove back. Check out my take on the current Greek financial crisis.


Sorry Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou, but it had to be done. Ouch!

Filmz

The genuinely excellent film blog Permanent Plastic Helmet have reluctantly allowed me to start contributing to the site, thus lowering the tone of the whole endeavour. PPH is both an enjoyable and intellectually gratifying read, so get to know. My first step on the long journey of becoming Catford's answer to Jonathan Ross can be found here.

Friday 27/05/2011: BBNO

Yesterday got a lot better after I left my last blog post. During my lunch break I saw Chris Moyles outside a cafe tucking into a duo of meat-filled paninis. He looked disgruntled, and certainly not as if he was in the mood for sharing. Next to his plate was an ominously large pot of mustard. I love working next the BBC Radio studios. I regularly get to see my favourite Radio DJs going about their everyday business. Reg Yates is a regular at the Pret a Manger on New Cavendish Street. He usually gets the ‘sandwich of the week’ accompanied by a strong Americano. Staying on trend is obviously important in his line of work, be it keeping in step with the nation’s musical tastes or the sandwich fillings currently favoured by hungry media workers. I tried to introduce myself to him once, but it didn’t go down too well. He was in our favourite Pret fingering a Crunchy Hummus Bloomer, when I crept up behind him and whispered some of my favourite Rasta Mouse impressions into his ear. He seemed genuinely frightened at first, then pulled an angry face and called me a ‘fass’.

I am now genuinely amped about Jon’s BBNO tonight! (I have never used to word ‘amped’ before; and am unsure about it tbh). I even hit the gym last night to make sure I’m looking extra pumped tonight. I managed 4K on the treadmill and lost count of the amount 10 KG reps I did! My beach body is really coming along now. The other day I was squat thrusting in the living room, and my girlfriend came in and said that I looked like Jean-Claude Van Damme! I still have to get Jon a present though. Seeing that we are meeting in Covent Garden I think I may hit up Cybercandy and buy him some wacky sweets. Jon is seriously into his candy, so I think a bumper bag of peanut butter M&Ms will go down a treat. I once witnessed Jon demolish an entire pack of Murray mints in a single sitting. He was pretty proud of himself until the laxative effects of excessive mint consumption kicked in.

Thursday 26/05/2011: Bored

Out of my mind with boredom at the office today. Generally don’t mind Thursdays, but it’s not even lunch yet and I’m struggling. Usually I’m vibeing for Friday by now… Was so bored this morning I deliberately spilt a mug of piping hot tea all over myself in order to generate some excitement within the office. The tea stunt backfired badly, as the health and safety bloke was lurking behind our stationary cabinet when the spillage occurred. Before I could protest he was on me with his wet wipes, and he managed to get five crotch rubs in before I could force him off. The wet wipes left a soapy aftermath on my trousers. Why he thought wet wipes were appropriate is beyond me. Everyone knows a damp tea towel is the way to go when a hot drink is spilt on another human being.

While he was scrubbing my crotch I clocked the shoddy workmanship of his hair piece, and a waft of stale allspice rose from his scalp, stinging my nostrils. The collar of his shirt was yellowed by years of excessive perspiration and own-brand detergent. There is no excuse for this type of thing in the Primark age. You can get a decent work shirt for £4 and an entire suit for £20! Yet here he is walking around in a heavily stained shirt, and a pair of mustard slacks with a 30 inch waistband (he isn’t kidding anyone, his paunch is out of control). Divorced, middle-aged men make me sad.

I know this time tomorrow I will be vibeing because it’s my friend Jon’s birthday. He has organised a BNO (Boy’s Night Out) and I think it may get a little tasty. For a while I was calling it the BBNO (Birthday Boy’s Night Out) but Jon said that was lame, so I stopped. I don’t think he realises how hurtful he can be. The night will start at 6pm in Covent Garden, where the City Boys (Me, Jon and George) will meet for a few cold ones. After that we will be travelling back South to Bedrock then Bibas for a double dose of Bromley. Not sure if we will be hitting the Vodka Red Bulls or the Jägerbombs. Jon will probably want both, but I’m not having that. One thing is for sure, I will be making sure that he stays off the JägerJons.

Really looking forward to seeing George tomorrow. I haven’t seen him for a while, and feel like I’m missing out. We used to hang out all the time, but then he got himself a girlfriend. He hasn’t looked back since. For a flavour of what George is about check out his blog, ‘Blogzville’. It covers poetry, travel, the hustle/bustle of the PR industry and ethnic music. I’m a little bit jealous to be honest as it blows my blog out of the water. All I can think to talk about are fictional paedophiles and eating at McDonald's.

Nonce wing - Brian appears on Take Me Out

In the last post I gave you an overly detailed synopsis of my sitcom in progress 'Nonce Wing'. As a result of that post there has already been a lot of buzz around the show, and several major players have shown an interest (Steve Coogan pretty much broken my Gmail account with his incessant emails offering me the world). For now I'm playing it cool and am just focused on getting my pilot script just so.

In the sample scene below the audience are introduced to Brian’s love interest Desperate Dawn. In his quest for the perfect nonce’s moll, Brian ends up appearing on popular dating show ‘Take Me Out’ (Ha Ha, I'm laughing just thinking about it!)

As well as conveniently introducing Dawn to the show, this scene also serves to acquaint the audience with certain elements of Brian’s life and some of the common settings that will be used throughout the Nonce Wing series.

Naughty Brian on Take Me Out

Paddy: Hello and welcome back to Take Me Out. You guys are in for a bit of a treat right now, as we have got a very special bloke that I think some of you may recognise.

Audience and Girls: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Paddy: Ha ha. You're right to get excited ladies, as it’s time to let the cock, see the adoodledoo. Single man, reveal yourself!

(Brian comes down the man pipe while ‘Rude Boy’ by Rihanna plays loudly)

Brian: Hey ladies my name’s Brian, and I’m from Plummmstead!

(Applause) (BIAW BIAOW BIAOW BIAOW) (applause)

Paddy: Only four lights out Brian, not bad!

Brian: It still hurts.

Paddy: Well let’s have a word with the girls eh? Peggy, why did you turn your light off?

Peggy: Well, he isn’t my type. I’ve never really fancied overweight, bald men. Yeah, and err, he was in the paper for attacking all those children. Which I don’t agree with.

Paddy: Not heard of letting bygones be bygones Peggy? We all have a history, you should know that as much as anyone!

(Applause)

Paddy: Why have you kept your light on Samantha?

Samantha: He has this really powerful odour. I don’t know what it is, but I love it!

Paddy: Wo-ho-ho-ahh! What you think about that Bri-man!

Brian: It’s Brian Paddy. And for the record, that smell is a combination of burnt hair and stale semen.

Paddy: Haha! I won’t ask Bri-man.

Brian: Probably best you don’t Paddy.

(Applause)

Paddy: OK girls. I think it’s time you got to have a closer look at our Brian, so take a gander at this clip, and remember no likey, no lighty.

(Cut to Naughty Brian montage narrated by Brian)

Brian: I’m just a fun loving bloke looking for someone who will share my interests and help me to be everything I know I can be. I’m currently unemployed, and to be honest being on this register is making it pretty hard for me to find work. I can get pretty down in the dumps, and my health suffers as a result. I am afflicted by severe penile psoriasis and am required to daub my genitals in aloe vera Vaseline every evening.

Cut to shot of Brian’s quivering back as he hunches over sink.

It’s not all doom and gloom though. I love just hanging out in the local park and mucking about with my mates. We do normal lad stuff like flying kites...

Cut to Brian attacking child-shaped kite while his friends cheer him on “Go on, get her!” “Go on Brian, give her one for me”

And playing a game we invented called ‘Bush Attack’.

Cut to Brian and his mates (shirtless) frolicking in the bushes next to a children's play area.

It’s a tradition we’ve had since we were just 12 years old. Some people say we should have grown out of this type of thing by now, but they’re just a bunch of twats. I’m a bit of a party boy, and can often be found down my local ‘The Weeping Creep’.

Cut to Brian at bar:

Brian: Can I have a packet of Salt and Vinegar please?

Barman: Crisps?

I think I could make some one a cracking boyfriend, and I just need someone who can look past my looks, lack of income and all the horrific crimes I have committed and just take a chance on a sex offender with a heart of gold.

Montage Ends (Applause)

Paddy: Not bad that Brian, you’ve still got a few lights left. Let’s have a word with some of the girls. Why did you turn your light off Sian?

Sian: I didn’t like the look of his mates. What was wrong with that little one wearing the beige roll neck?

Paddy: Don’t beat around the bush Sian. Are you referring to the lad with the crazy eyes?

Sian: Yes I am.

Paddy: To be fair Brian. They were mad. What’s going on there?

Brian: The guy you are referring to is Gavin, an old friend of mine and fellow sex pest. He is suffering from a severe case of ‘creep’s eye’, whereby the afflicted loses full control of there eyeballs, and they in turn appear ‘googly and mad’. It’s a syndrome that affects perverts, nonces and deviants of all colours and creeds.

Paddy: Wow… Well, you have a cracking pair of peepers Brian, make no mistake... And take a look at Dawn here who has kept her light on! What it is it you like about Brian, Dawn?

Dawn: I reckon deep down he is a good man, but has just lost his way a little bit. He needs someone who is going to look after him and keep him from getting involved in any more trouble.

Paddy: Ha ha. Good luck with that one Dawn! You not seen the news? This guy is OOC. Out. Of. Control! What do you reckon Brian? Could Dawn keep you in check?

Brian: If she tries I’ll cut her tits off.

Paddy: That’s you told Dawn! Lets move on to the next section of the show. It’s now time for Brian to show off his special talent. Go and get ready Bri-man.

(Brian runs into man pipe and is taken away, comes back down wearing cape, flying hat and goggles. Tchaikovsky's ‘Swan Lake’ plays in the background while Brian majestically pirouettes his way through a fantastic mid air ballet. Some of the girls are so moved that they break into tears).

(Applause) (BIAW BIAOW BIAOW BIAOW) (applause)

Paddy: Bri-man! That was incredible! Don't worry about the slags that turned their lights off. They're dead inside. Also, there's two lights still left on which means you've definitely got a date!

(Applause)

Paddy: Now at last the power is in your hands. There are two girls left, but you can only take one of them to Fernando's. So before you make your decision, you get to ask them one question. Take it away Brian.

Brian: Thank you Paddy. Ladies, in my school yearbook I was voted both 'most likely to molest' and 'lad with nicest hair'. As you can tell I’ve lost most of my hair, but I still molest like mad. What were you voted as in your yearbook and why?

Dawn: I was voted 'most unsightly' on account of my chronic acne and morbid obesity. I reckon it was rigged.

Paddy: I doubt it Dawn. Lucy what's your answer.

Lucy: If you pick me I'll nosh you off.

Paddy: Calm down Lucy! I know you've been here 17 weeks but there is no need for that. Now Brian, before you make your decision I think you need to know something pretty important. One of these girls has not one... but two bum holes.

Audience: Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Brian: That’s disconcerting.

Paddy: It sure is Brian. Now who's it going to be?

Crowd loudly egg on Brian, shouting out the names of the remaining women. Brian goes and turns off Lucy's light, camera then cuts to Dawn who is crying salty tears of joy.

End of scene.

Synopsis: Nonce Wing

Nonce Wing

British sitcom based on the humorous exploits of a sex offender who discovers he has the ability to fly.

Set in and around Plumstead, South London, the show stars Shaun Williamson as the hapless creep ‘Naughty Brian’. He spends his days (and nights) attempting to lay siege to the local primary school. His efforts are regularly thwarted by the heroic caretaker of Lee Ryan Elementary, Buzz Brasserie (portrayed by Jon Barrowman). Backed by a strong supporting cast, the series chronicles Naughty Brian’s persistent failures to achieve sexual gratification and his numerous run ins with the irrepressible Buzz Brasserie.

Naughty Brian (Shaun Williamson)

Discovered he could fly when being chased around the canteen by a fellow Belmarsh inmate wielding an improvised shank. He managed to escape his attacker by miraculously hovering 15 feet in the air. His escape was short-lived, and he was grounded when doused with the contents of industrial serving pot of scolding-hot beef bourguignon. Whilst serving the rest of his term in the confines of the nonce wing (see title), Brian discovered that he could develop his previously latent psycho kinetic powers through simple mental exercises such as Sudoku, humorous riddles and Dr Kawashima's Brain Training game on the Nintendo DS.

On his release Brian honed his flying skills by practising in his local park, with the assistance from his mates in the local nonce ring. They would assist him in his training by flying child-shaped kites into the sky for Brian to attack in mid-air. Brian likes to sport a flying cap and goggles when attempting to gain access to grounds of Lee Ryan Elementary.

Naughty Brian has several catchphrases that he employs throughout the series, including:

· “Who wants hot sauce?”

· “Playtime is over”

· “Why was I born?”

· In a patois accent: “I will teef all yah lickle babies!”

Desperate Dawn (Cheryl Fergison)

Characterised by her bovine face, lack of self-esteem and addiction to saturated fats, Dawn is a typical ‘nonce’s moll’. She craves male attention and manages to find it in the most unsuitable places. This has led her to seeking gratification in the arms/wings of a sex offender who has learnt how to fly. Dawn assists Brian in his sex quest by preparing unimaginative packed-lunches and keeping his lair in a serviceable condition.

The exact nature of Brian and Dawn’s relationship is never made entirely clear during the series, but is often subtly alluded to.

Sample scene:

Dawn and Brian are sitting on park bench eating a packed lunch

Brian: What’s in this sandwich Dawn?

Dawn: Mince.

Brian: But I asked for coronation chicken, why do you always do this to me?

Dawn: I thought you may fancy a change.

Brian: Well that’s just it; it isn’t a change is it? Mince, mince, mince every fucking day!

Dawn: Why did you even need to ask what was in the sandwich then? You knew it was mince in there.

Brian: I was being sarcastic, couldn’t you tell from my tone? Where’s my Penguin?

Dawn: I thought we would save pudding for later this evening.

Brian: I wouldn’t really count a penguin as a pudding Dawn…

Cut to a tearful Brian lying in foetal position at the foot of a chaise longue. In the background a nude Dawn, illuminated by the kitchen light, is wiping herself down with a chequered dish cloth decorated with a map of the Isle of Wight.

Mrs Fletcher (Amanda Holden)

With her delusions of grandeur and ongoing battle against alcoholism, the fragile, faded beauty Jane Fletcher is Plumstead’s answer to Blanche DuBois. As Headmistress of Lee Ryan Elementary, she attempts provide firm and loving guidance to both staff and pupils alike. Unfortunately her performance in this role is frequently compromised by her drink-fuelled attacks on those under her tutelage. Mrs Fletcher often uses her school assemblies as a platform from which she can air her many grievances. One such assembly, originally billed as a tribute to Diwali, consisted of no more than a protracted rant detailing the numerous failings of a docile 8 year-old pupil at the school. Mrs Fletcher persistently referred to boy in question as a “cabbage head”, and at one point implored his classmates to “rush him until he bleeds”.

While not the sexual force she once was, Mrs Fletcher still has a certain j' nais se quois (most of the male teachers would still have a go). She has a number of extremely brief, sexual relationships in the show and frequently refers to herself a "try-sexual" (meaning she'll try anything once). This phrase was stolen from Samantha Jones on Sex and the City. However, unlike SATC’S baudy Samantha, Mrs Fletcher’s confident facade and dismissive approach to love do not hide a sensitive, caring side. When no longer amused by a lover, Mrs Fletcher will awake her partner from their slumber by extinguishing her post-coital Camel light on their flaccid, seeping penis.

Buzz Brasserie (John Barrowman)

Jon Barrowman delivers a powerful performance as Buzz Brasserie. Charismatic, muscular, and a prolific womaniser, Buzz is a retired marine who has relocated to South East London in order to enjoy his twilight years after a traumatic final tour in Afghanistan.

Buzz has a varied arsenal at his disposal which he uses to protect the pupils at Lee Ryan Elementary. Weapons he has used to repel Naughty Brian include a crossbow, tear gas bazooka, hang gliding Orangutan and the reanimated corpse of Andre the Giant.

Over the course of the series Buzz’s mysterious back story will be fleshed out through a sequence of flashbacks that depict his time in Afghanistan and a brief stint as head chef at the Forest Hill Wetherspoons.