2 Good, 2 Bad

Inspired by Adrian Chiles's "Offside, what's that all about?" approach to the beautiful game (football), I'm offering my own version of his consistently hilarious take on the weekend's Premiership action. Watch out though, I'm giving everyone's favourite MOTD2 segment a slight twist (the twist is that I don't talk about football).

2 GOOD

We now have Sky+ in the new flat, and it is everything I imagined it to be and more. First on the list to series-linked was Total Wipeout, a British game show that has brazenly ripped off Takeshi's Castle. The show's producers have opted for contestant-friendly padded obstacles and have replaced crack/pornography fiend Craig Charles with Richard Hammond, the personification of a flaccid, impotent penis. While these adjustments have rendered the British show slightly tamer than the Japanese original, Saturday's episode still contained a broken nose and a man with dreadlocks being humiliated while 30 feet up in the air. First class.

While watching Total Wipeout I came up with an idea for a Richard Hammond vehicle that wouldn't make me want to put my foot through the television screen. It would be called The Hammond Chronicles, and each week Hammond would re-enact traumatic experiences from his childhood. Pamela Stevenson would be on hand to help retrieve any repressed memories, and his fellow Top Gear presenters would guest star in Crimewatch style reconstructions of Hammond's personal turmoils. The first episode will consist of Richard Hammond having his head repeatedly flushed down a dormitory toilet by Jeremy Clarkson, while both are subject to the hideous gaze of a lurking, dead-eyed James May. May will spend the entirety of the 30 minute episode malevolently unfurling his belt.

2 BAD

Easter egg hunts for the unemployed. Having experienced the incompetence of jobcentre staff first hand, this harebrained scheme comes as no surprise. The potent combination of Dorothy Perkins vouchers and free chocolate will surely result in unadulterated chaos. Destitute former Lehman Brothers employees will be clambering all about the heavily stained furnishings of the Southwark Jobcentre+, screaming BLOODY MURDER. A stabbing incident is inevitable.

I hope that the egg hunt isn't a compulsory exercise, as the last thing you want to do when you are in genuine need of a job is to have to break open a chocolate egg with your bare hands, while a balding homosexual called Daryl bellows his condescending words of encouragement, all while attired in an ill-fitting Easter Bunny costume. Once inside the egg you discover a job that you are not even qualified to perform. You have been literally brought to your knees (Daryl hid the egg under his desk), and your chocolate-covered hands grant you the appearance of a man who has been scooping shit out of his own underpants.

I would rather use the touchscreen jobconsole in a completely non-Easter themed manner.