Up yours Facebook

I have been off Facebook for over a month now. Not a day goes by where I don't miss it. Unlike this guy though, I didn't leave because I felt uncomfortable about Facebook owning my 'Media'.

My lack of vigilance in regards to who has ownership of my Facebook data probably has something to do with the lacklustre material that actually constitutes my media:



Disclaimer: I am not the sort of character who plays or even advocates the playing of Bongos.

Doppelgangers

The vast majority of celebrity lookalikes are intrinsically shit, but this guy's attempt at Steve Coogan is particularly lame:


The same agency also had a couple of nonce-wing versions of Ruud Van Nistelrooy on their books. Maybe if I was organising a sex offenders benefit dinner I could invite this duo along to entertain the various patrons of my ill-advised charity:




Virtually every lookalike serves only as derisory reimagining of the original celebrity. Even if the original celebrity was a bit lacklustre (Odd Job, Martin Clunes, Oliver Skeete) these chaps manage to make you pine for the real deal. Also, the ethnic lookalikes seem to qualify for their role through a vague similarity in skin tone alone (Barack Obama, Jamelia, Oliver Skeete).


Anyone who can specify an episode of 'The Royle Family' where Ricky Tomlinson made this particular facial expression wins a prize:



Join the party at:
http://www.splitting-images.com/celebrity_list.html

Craig Charles

Now Craig Charles is back off the wagon, I'm all about grooving the fuck out of one his club nights. If we ever met he would totally expand each other's horizons. I would acquaint him with wonders of internet pornography, while he could introduce me to the crackpipe.




Craig is obviously a bit of a demon on the wheels of steel, the punters are loving it. As is he.

Smile TV - The shoddiest channel on Freeview

During my lunch-break I was greeted by 2 goons in purple combat gear promoting SmileTV. I politely avoided eye contact and went on my way. This lacklustre approach to PR is mirrored in their babe recruitment policy. In place of the generic hotty (BANGERS!) that you would expect to find on Nuts TV, you are instead treated to dissolute, thong-wearing broad. The weekday PartygirlsTV poontang is particularly offensive.

www.partgirlstv.co.uk

Naughty Friday

This morning's Daily Mirror did yet another 'Craig Charles going off the rails' piece. While today's pictures of Craig Charles rolling around on a pub floor are good value, they pale in comparison to the images taken from the "Naughty Friday" debacle.

To anyone unfamiliar with Craig Charles's antics on that fateful Friday, here's the summary:

Coronation Street actor, Craig Charles, picks up a cab after finishing filming on a Friday evening. He then proceeds to purchase £30 worth of crack and orders his driver out of the car to buy selection of pornographic magazines (to the value of £20). The pair then embark on a 4 hour drive around Manchester, during which the TV personality smokes 60 hits of crack and purchases another 2 pornographic magazines.

Basically, it's the film 'Collateral' could have been. If they had cast Craig Charles in place of Tom Cruise and swapped the LA setting for the suburbs of Manchester, they could have had a blockbuster on their hands. Michael Mann fucked up.

Here are my favourite things that are revealed in this article:
1) Craig Charles christens the evening 'Naughty Friday'.
2) Craig Charles still buys printed porn in the digital age.
3) Craig Charles makes his cab driver buy this printed porn for him.

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2006/06/20/corrie-star-on-crack-115875-17258364/

Pets with disabilities

I'm a big fan of pets in wheelchairs. It's a bit strange how the humour gets lost when you see a human being in a wheelchair.



I was expecting the above pets with disablities website to be LOL bonanza, but I ended up getting a bit tearful about some of the animals tragic back stories. This made me concerned about my own emotional well-being rather than the maltreated cats and dogs. I had to leave the site before I got in too deep and adopted a pair of blind labradors (a couple of "wonderful souls" who go by the name of Bo and Cash).

Ugg boots (baits)

I have just agreed to lend my brother £100 so that he can buy his girlfriend a pair of Ugg boots for Valentines day.

Allow Valentines and allow Ugg boots.

He also informed me that men have decided to get in on the Ugg boot action (how could we resist?). At first I thought that my act of generosity had left him confused and disorientated, but he claims to have actually spotted these specimens on the streets of Bromley. It all made sense after the mention of Bromley. It made even more sense when I found a picture of the the midlife crisis king, Rhys Ifans, sporting a pair of Ugg boots.

Pet Peeve #3

WAGON WHEELS



One of the few positive aspects of living with my mother is the consistent presence of biscuits and chocolate in the cupboard. Usually the role of staple biscuit is admirably fulfilled by one of three chocolate-covered biscuit bars:
PENGUIN
CLUB
ROCKY (CARAMEL)
Sadly the routine was recently broken when a bumper pack of Wagon Wheels was introduced to the family home. I knew I was in for a disappointing biscuit experience as soon as I clocked the slogan:

'YOU'VE GOT TO GRIN TO GET IT IN'

From personal experience I can confirm that this is a lie. At no point during the process of eating a Wagon Wheel did I manage to grin, I may have grimaced, but I certainly didn't grin. Burton's Foods lies don't stop there. The biscuit's blurb reads:

'DELICIOUS MALLOW BISCUIT COVERED WITH A CHOCOLATE FLAVOURED COATING'

The biscuits boast of being 'delicious' is immediately undermined by the admission that they have only stretched to 'chocolate flavoured coating' rather than using actual chocolate. The fact that this 'coating' has been so skimpily applied to the biscuit just compounds the crapiness of the snack.

Not everyone hates Wagon Wheels though, least of all The Sun's Gordon Smart. Yum!

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/article914088.ece

Eco-Twats

I made the mistake of choosing a recent issue of The Observer Sunday supplement as an accompaniment for today's afternoon shit. Before I had even reached the toilet I realised that I had made a grave error when I clocked the cover feature:
"IS YOUR CHILD AN ECO-WARRIOR"
This was accompanied by a picture of 12-year-old boy Cato Tallis-Lock (!) modelling a 'Save the Sea' T-shirt; while assuming the hands on hips position. At this point, I was beginning to relish the possibility that we had run out of toilet paper.


Instead of doing the sensible thing and flicking straight to Mariella Frostrup's bland, yet vaguely gratifying relationship column, I attempted to read the article about the eco-brats. Apparently rage serves as an effective laxative, and an unusually swift poo followed. I have posted a link to the article, which I guarantee you won't be able to finish. As not only is the article severely irritating, but it is also fucking boring.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2009/feb/01/ethicalliving-family

While Cato's antics do pain me, it is clear that the blame should reside predominantly with the parents. The fact that they put Cato Tallis-Lock on the birth certificate is conclusive evidence of this. I would love to drive to leafy Redland (the 'greenest' aka 'smuggest' place in the UK) and abduct young Cato. I would take the lad to the Catford Mcdonald's drive-thru and treat him to a large Chicken McNugget meal. At first, due to his misguided parental loyalty, he would reluctant to eat the McNuggets. No worries, I would perservere, and through a potent combination of verbal encouragement and the tacit threat of physical violence, young Cato would finish the meal. I would then return the boy to his loving family.

The beauty of this scheme is that the boy's parents are the only ones truly damaged by my actions. The Redland community will ostracise Tallis-Locks once they find out that one of the brood has consumed junk food. While if I had given the boy a mild bludgeoning, the Tallis-Locks would still be able to depend on the support of their twattish community.

American Psycho

I've just heard the recording of Christian Bale going 'bananas in pyjamas' on the set of the new Terminator movie.

I have a lot of sympathy with Christian in regards to this sort of thing. Recently, while engrossed in a particularly important spreadsheet, a misguided colleague asked me if I wanted a hot drink. Needless to say, I rewarded this lack of professionalism with a sustained verbal tirade. Next time someone fucks with my entering of data, they WILL be scolded with hot drink.

Caviar

Anything that portrays the northern working class in a negative light is fine by me. Thats why I love this Sainsbury's advert thats been doing the rounds. The clip below does a fine job of validating some of the numerous assumptions I have made about northern family life.

Salmon on a Budget f..
Watch the ad...

I feel genuinely sorry for the two youngsters in this advert. From what I gather, the aimless toil of their working class lives is punctuated only by dads frequent trips to the burns unit. This is compounded by the fact that their daily gloom is soundtracked by the incessant passive-aggressive bantering of the father.

"What we having tomorrow, caviar?"

"There will be no caviar tomorrow Glen, I'm leaving you."