"IS YOUR CHILD AN ECO-WARRIOR"
This was accompanied by a picture of 12-year-old boy Cato Tallis-Lock (!) modelling a 'Save the Sea' T-shirt; while assuming the hands on hips position. At this point, I was beginning to relish the possibility that we had run out of toilet paper.
Instead of doing the sensible thing and flicking straight to Mariella Frostrup's bland, yet vaguely gratifying relationship column, I attempted to read the article about the eco-brats. Apparently rage serves as an effective laxative, and an unusually swift poo followed. I have posted a link to the article, which I guarantee you won't be able to finish. As not only is the article severely irritating, but it is also fucking boring.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2009/feb/01/ethicalliving-family
While Cato's antics do pain me, it is clear that the blame should reside predominantly with the parents. The fact that they put Cato Tallis-Lock on the birth certificate is conclusive evidence of this. I would love to drive to leafy Redland (the 'greenest' aka 'smuggest' place in the UK) and abduct young Cato. I would take the lad to the Catford Mcdonald's drive-thru and treat him to a large Chicken McNugget meal. At first, due to his misguided parental loyalty, he would reluctant to eat the McNuggets. No worries, I would perservere, and through a potent combination of verbal encouragement and the tacit threat of physical violence, young Cato would finish the meal. I would then return the boy to his loving family.
The beauty of this scheme is that the boy's parents are the only ones truly damaged by my actions. The Redland community will ostracise Tallis-Locks once they find out that one of the brood has consumed junk food. While if I had given the boy a mild bludgeoning, the Tallis-Locks would still be able to depend on the support of their twattish community.
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