FILMS

After being inspired by my flatmate's recent screenwriting exploits, I have started developing a few film projects of my own. I hope to secure funding for at least one of these bad boys over the next couple of months:


Uganda Panda: Slapstick Biopic based on the adventures of zany Ugandan dictator Idi Amin, with a blacked up Adrian Chiles succeeding Forest Whitaker in the title role. This casting decision was made due to the numerous similarities between the pair. Idi Amin developed a buffoonish, deceptively light hearted persona which partially obscured his inherently despicable nature. Adrian Chiles has managed to build a healthy television career by using similar tactics. One key scene will consist in Amin sharing a tube of Pringles with Colonel Gadaffi (played by "Macho Man" Randy Savage) while they bond over their shared anti-Semitic leanings.


Conkers: Heart warming tale of a mousy, working class lad from Hull who has a dead mum. The boy will be called George and will be played by some drippy kid from the local area, his emotionally distant father will be played by Dean Windass (making his acting debut, go Dean!) Due to his inhibited social skills and lack of sporting ability, George struggles to make friends at school. However his fortunes take a positive turn when he spots Pete Postlethwaite (playing himself) crouched beneath a chestnut tree in his local park. Pete takes George under his wing and teaches him the art of conkers. George goes on to win the annual national conkers competition that's taking place in the 'Big Smoke'. George's victory is temporarily soured due the sudden death of Pete Postlethwaite (who has a heart attack when he sees the price of a pint in London! Lol!). Luckily, George quickly regains his spirits when he realises that he is no longer a boy. He is a man.


Dangerous Blind Man:
This will be a remake of the Nollywood orginal, which movingly depicted one man's quest to find out why his wife hates him so much. I am trying to succeed where Gus Van Sant failed with 'Psycho', as each scene will be a meticulous word for word copy of the original, the only difference being the addition of a few recognisable names. The cuckolded protagonist will be played by Richard Gere. His promiscuous wife, by Sandra Bullock. Pierce Brosnan will reprise his role from Mrs Doubtfire to play the new sleazeball on the scene. I have great hopes for this film, and imagine it becoming a cult classic like Withnail and I. I've already thought of a fun drinking game that annoying people can play while watching the film. Every time Richard Gere says 'Yes boi', the audience needs to have a drink. This game will capture the imagination of students, and will take campuses across the country by storm. Controversy will soon follow when an overzealous chemistry undergraduate from Warwick falls into an alcohol induced coma after playing the game.