Pet Peeve #2

Getting my haircut.

I know that like racism, this is a bit of an obvious one. However, I thought that I should reiterate why something that should be a relatively innocuous bit of life admin, has actually become a frequent source of trauma for characters such as myself.

The main issue is that many men never, ever get the haircut they ask for or imagine that they deserve. Often, we struggle to obtain even a vague approximation of what we have asked for. For near on a decade, my previous barber John (the proud proprietor of John's) would give me a crude interpretation of a French Crop. As a child living in Catford this standard issue barnet was never really a problem. Luckily my school wasn't the kind of place where you would find a socially confident 9 year-old named Piers or Gabriel. Sadly due to the nature of the world we live in, such a haircut became a contentious issue as I entered into my awkward teenage years.

In an attempt to remedy an appalling lack of success with the opposite sex (girls), I tried to persuade John into merely 'taking a little off he back and sides'. After reaching a verbal agreement before the haircut had begun, I naively embraced what I thought was to be a new dawn in haircuts. Inevitably John almost instantly reneged on our deal. A familiar sense of resignation overcame me as I heard the grim buzz of the overworked Lemington.

The charade that follows such an event will be familiar to many. I congratulated John on a job well done as he used his supplementary mirror to proudly expose the horror he has unleashed upon my scalp. After I left his establishment I waited until comfortably out of site before hastily covering my shame with both hat and hood. This incident as lead to a lifetime of ill-advised homemade haircuts and subsequent hat wearing. Thanks John.

BTW, this picture of celebrity hair ponce Nicky Clarke was taken as part of the movement to free Tibet. Whoever had this idea has surely lost sight of the issue at hand. They're making T signs with their hands because Tibet begins with a T. Jesus.

Adam Woodbatt.

To the left is tedious soap weed and budding photographer Adam Woodyatt AKA Ian Beale.

http://www.adamwoodyatt.com/

Multi-talented Woodyatt's sideline in photography seems to consist almost exclusively in documenting the progress his sons U12 Sunday league team. While there is nothing wrong with this display of fatherly pride, Woodyatt's bold claim that "something that started as a hobby has become a thriving business" is surely over egging the pudding.

Woodyatt obviously takes his famililal duties extremely seriously, even in regards to his fictional family. I was thrilled when I discovered that Woodyatt currently rents his spare room to Peter Dean, the actor who so beautifully portrayed Ian Beale's on screen father Pete Beale.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adam_Woodyatt

For all those who are interested, Peter Dean currently works as an NCP car park attendant.

I play tennis RRAAAAARR!

Why is this necessary? Every paper this weekend seemed to have a large picture of Murray doing an extremely smug Hulk Hogan impression. I have previously tried to overcome my general distaste for the type of 'no nonsense Scot' persona that Murray is looking to cultivate, but his insistence on continually showing off his 'hot bod' has killed my already tenuous relationship with this man. Sorry Andy, we're finished.

Without fail, even the most fleeting moment of sporting achievement causes the British press descend into an over oxerexcitable frenzy of bellends. Cheesy, wankerish behaviour such as Murray's should be actively discouraged. But as the papers are so keen to portray Murray as worldbeater his tedious antics, including his misguided attempts at jousting Federer, are applauded.

I'm sure Murray will go onto win the numerous Grandslams, but to put things into perspective, Nadal has already won 5 and he is only 1 year older than the dweebish Scot. As successful as Nadal has been when was the last time you saw him running around like the Ultimate Warrior? Or even Rick Rude?

The British press also went balls out of the bath in respect to Ricky Hatton in the build up to his fight with Mayweather. Inevitably Hatton got schooled, and the same cunts who talked about him turning over Mayweather, knowingly discussed the huge gulf in class that existed between the fighters. Outrageous.
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Beer Review #1

This beauty comes coutesy of 'Groovehound'. This guy ticks so many wanker alarm bells it's unreal. This an unedited transcript of his review of 'The Fighting Cocks' in Kingston.



I gave this place a good chance, but there's so many chips on shoulders around here that it's hard to enjoy oneself, especially if one comes looking to find fellow alternative people and so specifically samples how friendly people are. We came in to watch a good gig. Stayed for a drink as there was late public transport home. I don't think they serve very late.We left our pints in a safe position, after last orders, and went out to smoke a spliff, because that's what we like to do, and it makes me personally drink much more moderatel rather than damaging my liver. We didn't go out for a fight, or to piss on the venue's wall, mind. We respectfully moved out of the bouncer's zone of responsibility off the premises, so the venue wasn't committing an offence by allowing consumption on the premises (even though being alternative ultimately means ignoring stupid laws and traditions, right?), and lit up. Came back 5 mins later to find our pints gone. They wouldn't replace them even with halves. I did state that I though it would be a good thing to give us some given that it was no longer possible to replace them. That's about it. No raised voices. Cue the bouncer appearing and saying "if you weren't smoking wacky backy you'd have your pints now". Well a) a polite (from our side) conversation with the bar staff doesn't warrant your intervention mate, and b) what the fuck has the smoking got to do with you if we smoke weed away from your premises? I suppose he'd rather we spend more on their crap lager and have a fight so he'd have someting to do? He might have been right, but we could also have smuggled our glasses out if they were going to make it difficult, but we like to do things honestly.I hate passive-aggressive cowards, and this place reeks of it. If you don't like anyone not in your cliche, then admit it LOUDLY, to look like the narrow minds you are. Don't do shit behind someone's back, or make them wait all century for service when they've done nothing wrong, whilst giving out bad vibes. That's as pathetic as most chav culture, which you're supposed to be the alternative to, right? Why are people so damn shallow but think they're the mutt's nuts and something special?Bad vibes, and I get on with most people when possible, honest.It's the worst kind of capitalism to charge a lot for poor beers just because you're the only place around that's alternative. You ought to charge less, attract people by the force of the vibe (versus the BEST places in the whole of London, not just in Hicksville, Zone 6), and get people happier. EVERYONE likes to be happy, including Black Metallers, for fuck's sake. Even if they don't admit it. Who wants to pay to be miserable, 'cool' and 'scene'? Idiots, I say.Sure that's a generalisation, but just because you live in a chav haven does NOT give you the right to act super-scene and the view from inside your own rectal passage cannot be any nicer than the one on London Rd!Try the Bedford Park in Streatham for more down to earth rock, metal and PEOPLE! Still crap beer, but cheaper and less pretentious, less window-dressing. What's more important? Closer to the centre, too, if you're heading off afterwards.Gets a 4 for the gigs, a 0 for the vibe.
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Groovehound - 16 Oct 2008 21:47

Beer in the Evening

I often use this website to avoid doing the work I am paid to do.

http://www.beerintheevening.com/

I enjoy it because the people contributing to site are a healthy blend of ale drinkers, anti drugs zealots, bar owners and the occasional CAPITAL LETTER LOVING SIMPLETON.

Pet Peeve #1

People who buy hot drinks at Greggs.


I can't reconcile myself with the mindset of the egomaniacs who do this. The picture below documents the inevitable consequence of someone ordering a hot drink and/or soup at a Greggs.

Satirical Cartoon #1

I won't bother patronising you by explaining what the wasps are supposed to symbolise. Just needless to say, something is getting Gerry a tad hot under the collar! ;) .