Nonce wing - Brian appears on Take Me Out

In the last post I gave you an overly detailed synopsis of my sitcom in progress 'Nonce Wing'. As a result of that post there has already been a lot of buzz around the show, and several major players have shown an interest (Steve Coogan pretty much broken my Gmail account with his incessant emails offering me the world). For now I'm playing it cool and am just focused on getting my pilot script just so.

In the sample scene below the audience are introduced to Brian’s love interest Desperate Dawn. In his quest for the perfect nonce’s moll, Brian ends up appearing on popular dating show ‘Take Me Out’ (Ha Ha, I'm laughing just thinking about it!)

As well as conveniently introducing Dawn to the show, this scene also serves to acquaint the audience with certain elements of Brian’s life and some of the common settings that will be used throughout the Nonce Wing series.

Naughty Brian on Take Me Out

Paddy: Hello and welcome back to Take Me Out. You guys are in for a bit of a treat right now, as we have got a very special bloke that I think some of you may recognise.

Audience and Girls: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Paddy: Ha ha. You're right to get excited ladies, as it’s time to let the cock, see the adoodledoo. Single man, reveal yourself!

(Brian comes down the man pipe while ‘Rude Boy’ by Rihanna plays loudly)

Brian: Hey ladies my name’s Brian, and I’m from Plummmstead!

(Applause) (BIAW BIAOW BIAOW BIAOW) (applause)

Paddy: Only four lights out Brian, not bad!

Brian: It still hurts.

Paddy: Well let’s have a word with the girls eh? Peggy, why did you turn your light off?

Peggy: Well, he isn’t my type. I’ve never really fancied overweight, bald men. Yeah, and err, he was in the paper for attacking all those children. Which I don’t agree with.

Paddy: Not heard of letting bygones be bygones Peggy? We all have a history, you should know that as much as anyone!

(Applause)

Paddy: Why have you kept your light on Samantha?

Samantha: He has this really powerful odour. I don’t know what it is, but I love it!

Paddy: Wo-ho-ho-ahh! What you think about that Bri-man!

Brian: It’s Brian Paddy. And for the record, that smell is a combination of burnt hair and stale semen.

Paddy: Haha! I won’t ask Bri-man.

Brian: Probably best you don’t Paddy.

(Applause)

Paddy: OK girls. I think it’s time you got to have a closer look at our Brian, so take a gander at this clip, and remember no likey, no lighty.

(Cut to Naughty Brian montage narrated by Brian)

Brian: I’m just a fun loving bloke looking for someone who will share my interests and help me to be everything I know I can be. I’m currently unemployed, and to be honest being on this register is making it pretty hard for me to find work. I can get pretty down in the dumps, and my health suffers as a result. I am afflicted by severe penile psoriasis and am required to daub my genitals in aloe vera Vaseline every evening.

Cut to shot of Brian’s quivering back as he hunches over sink.

It’s not all doom and gloom though. I love just hanging out in the local park and mucking about with my mates. We do normal lad stuff like flying kites...

Cut to Brian attacking child-shaped kite while his friends cheer him on “Go on, get her!” “Go on Brian, give her one for me”

And playing a game we invented called ‘Bush Attack’.

Cut to Brian and his mates (shirtless) frolicking in the bushes next to a children's play area.

It’s a tradition we’ve had since we were just 12 years old. Some people say we should have grown out of this type of thing by now, but they’re just a bunch of twats. I’m a bit of a party boy, and can often be found down my local ‘The Weeping Creep’.

Cut to Brian at bar:

Brian: Can I have a packet of Salt and Vinegar please?

Barman: Crisps?

I think I could make some one a cracking boyfriend, and I just need someone who can look past my looks, lack of income and all the horrific crimes I have committed and just take a chance on a sex offender with a heart of gold.

Montage Ends (Applause)

Paddy: Not bad that Brian, you’ve still got a few lights left. Let’s have a word with some of the girls. Why did you turn your light off Sian?

Sian: I didn’t like the look of his mates. What was wrong with that little one wearing the beige roll neck?

Paddy: Don’t beat around the bush Sian. Are you referring to the lad with the crazy eyes?

Sian: Yes I am.

Paddy: To be fair Brian. They were mad. What’s going on there?

Brian: The guy you are referring to is Gavin, an old friend of mine and fellow sex pest. He is suffering from a severe case of ‘creep’s eye’, whereby the afflicted loses full control of there eyeballs, and they in turn appear ‘googly and mad’. It’s a syndrome that affects perverts, nonces and deviants of all colours and creeds.

Paddy: Wow… Well, you have a cracking pair of peepers Brian, make no mistake... And take a look at Dawn here who has kept her light on! What it is it you like about Brian, Dawn?

Dawn: I reckon deep down he is a good man, but has just lost his way a little bit. He needs someone who is going to look after him and keep him from getting involved in any more trouble.

Paddy: Ha ha. Good luck with that one Dawn! You not seen the news? This guy is OOC. Out. Of. Control! What do you reckon Brian? Could Dawn keep you in check?

Brian: If she tries I’ll cut her tits off.

Paddy: That’s you told Dawn! Lets move on to the next section of the show. It’s now time for Brian to show off his special talent. Go and get ready Bri-man.

(Brian runs into man pipe and is taken away, comes back down wearing cape, flying hat and goggles. Tchaikovsky's ‘Swan Lake’ plays in the background while Brian majestically pirouettes his way through a fantastic mid air ballet. Some of the girls are so moved that they break into tears).

(Applause) (BIAW BIAOW BIAOW BIAOW) (applause)

Paddy: Bri-man! That was incredible! Don't worry about the slags that turned their lights off. They're dead inside. Also, there's two lights still left on which means you've definitely got a date!

(Applause)

Paddy: Now at last the power is in your hands. There are two girls left, but you can only take one of them to Fernando's. So before you make your decision, you get to ask them one question. Take it away Brian.

Brian: Thank you Paddy. Ladies, in my school yearbook I was voted both 'most likely to molest' and 'lad with nicest hair'. As you can tell I’ve lost most of my hair, but I still molest like mad. What were you voted as in your yearbook and why?

Dawn: I was voted 'most unsightly' on account of my chronic acne and morbid obesity. I reckon it was rigged.

Paddy: I doubt it Dawn. Lucy what's your answer.

Lucy: If you pick me I'll nosh you off.

Paddy: Calm down Lucy! I know you've been here 17 weeks but there is no need for that. Now Brian, before you make your decision I think you need to know something pretty important. One of these girls has not one... but two bum holes.

Audience: Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Brian: That’s disconcerting.

Paddy: It sure is Brian. Now who's it going to be?

Crowd loudly egg on Brian, shouting out the names of the remaining women. Brian goes and turns off Lucy's light, camera then cuts to Dawn who is crying salty tears of joy.

End of scene.