Top 5: Secret episodes

This is a new feature called 'Top 5'. It's a pretty fresh concept, so try and keep up. What I do is choose a topic, then choose my favourite things that fit that particular topic. For my first installment of the groundbreaking 'Top 5' my subject area is TV episodes that never made it to air. I won't bother explaining how I came to see all of these secret televisual treats. Lets just say Terry Wogan and regret were involved.

1. Duncan Ferguson appears on Changing Rooms

In this celebrity special, Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen makes the brave/baffling decision to gut Duncan Ferguson's living room, and redesign it in the theme of a Fabergé egg. Duncan Ferguson's reaction is priceless. During the blooper reel at the end of the episode there is some humorous footage of Ferguson removing the flamboyant interior designer's left ear with a scalpel. It is in fact the very same scalpel that was used to make the gold vinyl eggs that briefly adorned the walls of Ferguson's Glasgow home.

2. The Late night Eastender's special: Pat Butcher's Blue Diaries

In a bid to compete with Hollyoaks in the sauciness stakes, the Eastender's writers penned a series of late night specials which were intended to explore the sexy side of Albert Square in the kind of vivid detail prohibited by Ofcom in the pre-watershed hours. Predictably, the most explicit of these one-off 'erotic vignettes' was the episode focusing on the exploits of sexually weathered Pat Butcher.

The episode begins with a stony faced Pat sitting in a smoke and chintz filled living room, pouring herself a 'stiff one' as Deal or No Deal flickers in the corner. The camera cuts to the groomed, querulous features of Noel Edmonds. We then hear Pat murmur "I've had him." She slings back her drink in one gulp, and slumps into her armchair, descending into a disjointed drunken slumber.

The special is essentially a hallucinatory montage of footage from some of Pat Butcher's more memorable sexy moments. We begin with her first encounter with Frank Butcher, when Pat was just 16 years-old and the reigning 'Miss Butlins'. This is crudely juxtaposed with glimpses of her years spent on the game, working for shady club-owner/pimp Tony Cattani. In undoubtedly the most harrowing scene in the episode, we finally discover what Pat and Patrick Trueman actually got up to with that tin of Pineapple rings.

3. The alternative ending to 3rd Rock from the Sun

In this alternative final episode we discover that Dick, Tom, Sally and Harry are not in fact "aliens pretending to be humans for the purpose of a research expedition". They are just a group of actual human beings. MENTAL ONES. In this final episode the central characters are revealed to be no more than a group of everyday paranoid schizophrenics who have recently been released from a psychiatric unit. Their mutual fabrication of alien alter-egos turns out to be no more than a means of coping with the outside world. This psychotic house of cards is only brought down when their designated social worker comes over tell them that the house is being disbanded, and that they are being shipped back to Camberwell Maudsley. Their return to secure accommodation is a result of Harry (see above) repeatedly getting his cock out on the bus.

4. A heavily medicated Paul Ross guests on Saturday Kitchen


As part of the pre-release promotion of his much anticipated autobiography 'A Ross amongst the thorns', Paul Ross agreed to appear on Saturday Kitchen, despite not being much of a foodie. Unfortunately, the pre-show Chardonnay he enjoyed with host James Martin reacted badly with the course of antibiotics he had been proscribed as treatment for a chest infection. At first the studio audience were amused by Ross's plea for "lots of bloody chips", but his demands became increasingly vocal and remained audible throughout Antonio Carluccio's demonstration of how to cook the perfect ravioli. Things came to a head when Ross tackled Ken Hom to ground whilst Hom was attempting the omelette challenge. Brave Hom managed to complete the challenge after regaining the consciousness he lost as result of Ross's roughhousing. His time of 17 minutes and 5 seconds is still the slowest to date.

5. Richard O'Brien completes the Crystal Maze.

This secret episode has been mentioned previously on the blog, so obviously it makes the Top 5. One man team Richard O'Brien obtains a record amount of crystals whilst shitting all over the zones (not literally), and then employs his cat-like reflexes to extraordinary effect in the Dome. A member of the production team awards him his prize, a free helicopter lesson. Richard clearly takes this as a slap to the face, which is fair enough considering all the work he put into the show (he actually built the Aztec Zone with his own bare hands). The show ends with O'Brien soaring above the fields of Surrey, seemingly enjoying his helicopter experience. Then out of nowhere he swiftly disables his instructor with a deft karate chop. He then proceeds to deliberately crash his helicopter into Chessington World of Adventures.