Nonce wing - Brian appears on Take Me Out

In the last post I gave you an overly detailed synopsis of my sitcom in progress 'Nonce Wing'. As a result of that post there has already been a lot of buzz around the show, and several major players have shown an interest (Steve Coogan pretty much broken my Gmail account with his incessant emails offering me the world). For now I'm playing it cool and am just focused on getting my pilot script just so.

In the sample scene below the audience are introduced to Brian’s love interest Desperate Dawn. In his quest for the perfect nonce’s moll, Brian ends up appearing on popular dating show ‘Take Me Out’ (Ha Ha, I'm laughing just thinking about it!)

As well as conveniently introducing Dawn to the show, this scene also serves to acquaint the audience with certain elements of Brian’s life and some of the common settings that will be used throughout the Nonce Wing series.

Naughty Brian on Take Me Out

Paddy: Hello and welcome back to Take Me Out. You guys are in for a bit of a treat right now, as we have got a very special bloke that I think some of you may recognise.

Audience and Girls: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Paddy: Ha ha. You're right to get excited ladies, as it’s time to let the cock, see the adoodledoo. Single man, reveal yourself!

(Brian comes down the man pipe while ‘Rude Boy’ by Rihanna plays loudly)

Brian: Hey ladies my name’s Brian, and I’m from Plummmstead!

(Applause) (BIAW BIAOW BIAOW BIAOW) (applause)

Paddy: Only four lights out Brian, not bad!

Brian: It still hurts.

Paddy: Well let’s have a word with the girls eh? Peggy, why did you turn your light off?

Peggy: Well, he isn’t my type. I’ve never really fancied overweight, bald men. Yeah, and err, he was in the paper for attacking all those children. Which I don’t agree with.

Paddy: Not heard of letting bygones be bygones Peggy? We all have a history, you should know that as much as anyone!

(Applause)

Paddy: Why have you kept your light on Samantha?

Samantha: He has this really powerful odour. I don’t know what it is, but I love it!

Paddy: Wo-ho-ho-ahh! What you think about that Bri-man!

Brian: It’s Brian Paddy. And for the record, that smell is a combination of burnt hair and stale semen.

Paddy: Haha! I won’t ask Bri-man.

Brian: Probably best you don’t Paddy.

(Applause)

Paddy: OK girls. I think it’s time you got to have a closer look at our Brian, so take a gander at this clip, and remember no likey, no lighty.

(Cut to Naughty Brian montage narrated by Brian)

Brian: I’m just a fun loving bloke looking for someone who will share my interests and help me to be everything I know I can be. I’m currently unemployed, and to be honest being on this register is making it pretty hard for me to find work. I can get pretty down in the dumps, and my health suffers as a result. I am afflicted by severe penile psoriasis and am required to daub my genitals in aloe vera Vaseline every evening.

Cut to shot of Brian’s quivering back as he hunches over sink.

It’s not all doom and gloom though. I love just hanging out in the local park and mucking about with my mates. We do normal lad stuff like flying kites...

Cut to Brian attacking child-shaped kite while his friends cheer him on “Go on, get her!” “Go on Brian, give her one for me”

And playing a game we invented called ‘Bush Attack’.

Cut to Brian and his mates (shirtless) frolicking in the bushes next to a children's play area.

It’s a tradition we’ve had since we were just 12 years old. Some people say we should have grown out of this type of thing by now, but they’re just a bunch of twats. I’m a bit of a party boy, and can often be found down my local ‘The Weeping Creep’.

Cut to Brian at bar:

Brian: Can I have a packet of Salt and Vinegar please?

Barman: Crisps?

I think I could make some one a cracking boyfriend, and I just need someone who can look past my looks, lack of income and all the horrific crimes I have committed and just take a chance on a sex offender with a heart of gold.

Montage Ends (Applause)

Paddy: Not bad that Brian, you’ve still got a few lights left. Let’s have a word with some of the girls. Why did you turn your light off Sian?

Sian: I didn’t like the look of his mates. What was wrong with that little one wearing the beige roll neck?

Paddy: Don’t beat around the bush Sian. Are you referring to the lad with the crazy eyes?

Sian: Yes I am.

Paddy: To be fair Brian. They were mad. What’s going on there?

Brian: The guy you are referring to is Gavin, an old friend of mine and fellow sex pest. He is suffering from a severe case of ‘creep’s eye’, whereby the afflicted loses full control of there eyeballs, and they in turn appear ‘googly and mad’. It’s a syndrome that affects perverts, nonces and deviants of all colours and creeds.

Paddy: Wow… Well, you have a cracking pair of peepers Brian, make no mistake... And take a look at Dawn here who has kept her light on! What it is it you like about Brian, Dawn?

Dawn: I reckon deep down he is a good man, but has just lost his way a little bit. He needs someone who is going to look after him and keep him from getting involved in any more trouble.

Paddy: Ha ha. Good luck with that one Dawn! You not seen the news? This guy is OOC. Out. Of. Control! What do you reckon Brian? Could Dawn keep you in check?

Brian: If she tries I’ll cut her tits off.

Paddy: That’s you told Dawn! Lets move on to the next section of the show. It’s now time for Brian to show off his special talent. Go and get ready Bri-man.

(Brian runs into man pipe and is taken away, comes back down wearing cape, flying hat and goggles. Tchaikovsky's ‘Swan Lake’ plays in the background while Brian majestically pirouettes his way through a fantastic mid air ballet. Some of the girls are so moved that they break into tears).

(Applause) (BIAW BIAOW BIAOW BIAOW) (applause)

Paddy: Bri-man! That was incredible! Don't worry about the slags that turned their lights off. They're dead inside. Also, there's two lights still left on which means you've definitely got a date!

(Applause)

Paddy: Now at last the power is in your hands. There are two girls left, but you can only take one of them to Fernando's. So before you make your decision, you get to ask them one question. Take it away Brian.

Brian: Thank you Paddy. Ladies, in my school yearbook I was voted both 'most likely to molest' and 'lad with nicest hair'. As you can tell I’ve lost most of my hair, but I still molest like mad. What were you voted as in your yearbook and why?

Dawn: I was voted 'most unsightly' on account of my chronic acne and morbid obesity. I reckon it was rigged.

Paddy: I doubt it Dawn. Lucy what's your answer.

Lucy: If you pick me I'll nosh you off.

Paddy: Calm down Lucy! I know you've been here 17 weeks but there is no need for that. Now Brian, before you make your decision I think you need to know something pretty important. One of these girls has not one... but two bum holes.

Audience: Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Brian: That’s disconcerting.

Paddy: It sure is Brian. Now who's it going to be?

Crowd loudly egg on Brian, shouting out the names of the remaining women. Brian goes and turns off Lucy's light, camera then cuts to Dawn who is crying salty tears of joy.

End of scene.

Synopsis: Nonce Wing

Nonce Wing

British sitcom based on the humorous exploits of a sex offender who discovers he has the ability to fly.

Set in and around Plumstead, South London, the show stars Shaun Williamson as the hapless creep ‘Naughty Brian’. He spends his days (and nights) attempting to lay siege to the local primary school. His efforts are regularly thwarted by the heroic caretaker of Lee Ryan Elementary, Buzz Brasserie (portrayed by Jon Barrowman). Backed by a strong supporting cast, the series chronicles Naughty Brian’s persistent failures to achieve sexual gratification and his numerous run ins with the irrepressible Buzz Brasserie.

Naughty Brian (Shaun Williamson)

Discovered he could fly when being chased around the canteen by a fellow Belmarsh inmate wielding an improvised shank. He managed to escape his attacker by miraculously hovering 15 feet in the air. His escape was short-lived, and he was grounded when doused with the contents of industrial serving pot of scolding-hot beef bourguignon. Whilst serving the rest of his term in the confines of the nonce wing (see title), Brian discovered that he could develop his previously latent psycho kinetic powers through simple mental exercises such as Sudoku, humorous riddles and Dr Kawashima's Brain Training game on the Nintendo DS.

On his release Brian honed his flying skills by practising in his local park, with the assistance from his mates in the local nonce ring. They would assist him in his training by flying child-shaped kites into the sky for Brian to attack in mid-air. Brian likes to sport a flying cap and goggles when attempting to gain access to grounds of Lee Ryan Elementary.

Naughty Brian has several catchphrases that he employs throughout the series, including:

· “Who wants hot sauce?”

· “Playtime is over”

· “Why was I born?”

· In a patois accent: “I will teef all yah lickle babies!”

Desperate Dawn (Cheryl Fergison)

Characterised by her bovine face, lack of self-esteem and addiction to saturated fats, Dawn is a typical ‘nonce’s moll’. She craves male attention and manages to find it in the most unsuitable places. This has led her to seeking gratification in the arms/wings of a sex offender who has learnt how to fly. Dawn assists Brian in his sex quest by preparing unimaginative packed-lunches and keeping his lair in a serviceable condition.

The exact nature of Brian and Dawn’s relationship is never made entirely clear during the series, but is often subtly alluded to.

Sample scene:

Dawn and Brian are sitting on park bench eating a packed lunch

Brian: What’s in this sandwich Dawn?

Dawn: Mince.

Brian: But I asked for coronation chicken, why do you always do this to me?

Dawn: I thought you may fancy a change.

Brian: Well that’s just it; it isn’t a change is it? Mince, mince, mince every fucking day!

Dawn: Why did you even need to ask what was in the sandwich then? You knew it was mince in there.

Brian: I was being sarcastic, couldn’t you tell from my tone? Where’s my Penguin?

Dawn: I thought we would save pudding for later this evening.

Brian: I wouldn’t really count a penguin as a pudding Dawn…

Cut to a tearful Brian lying in foetal position at the foot of a chaise longue. In the background a nude Dawn, illuminated by the kitchen light, is wiping herself down with a chequered dish cloth decorated with a map of the Isle of Wight.

Mrs Fletcher (Amanda Holden)

With her delusions of grandeur and ongoing battle against alcoholism, the fragile, faded beauty Jane Fletcher is Plumstead’s answer to Blanche DuBois. As Headmistress of Lee Ryan Elementary, she attempts provide firm and loving guidance to both staff and pupils alike. Unfortunately her performance in this role is frequently compromised by her drink-fuelled attacks on those under her tutelage. Mrs Fletcher often uses her school assemblies as a platform from which she can air her many grievances. One such assembly, originally billed as a tribute to Diwali, consisted of no more than a protracted rant detailing the numerous failings of a docile 8 year-old pupil at the school. Mrs Fletcher persistently referred to boy in question as a “cabbage head”, and at one point implored his classmates to “rush him until he bleeds”.

While not the sexual force she once was, Mrs Fletcher still has a certain j' nais se quois (most of the male teachers would still have a go). She has a number of extremely brief, sexual relationships in the show and frequently refers to herself a "try-sexual" (meaning she'll try anything once). This phrase was stolen from Samantha Jones on Sex and the City. However, unlike SATC’S baudy Samantha, Mrs Fletcher’s confident facade and dismissive approach to love do not hide a sensitive, caring side. When no longer amused by a lover, Mrs Fletcher will awake her partner from their slumber by extinguishing her post-coital Camel light on their flaccid, seeping penis.

Buzz Brasserie (John Barrowman)

Jon Barrowman delivers a powerful performance as Buzz Brasserie. Charismatic, muscular, and a prolific womaniser, Buzz is a retired marine who has relocated to South East London in order to enjoy his twilight years after a traumatic final tour in Afghanistan.

Buzz has a varied arsenal at his disposal which he uses to protect the pupils at Lee Ryan Elementary. Weapons he has used to repel Naughty Brian include a crossbow, tear gas bazooka, hang gliding Orangutan and the reanimated corpse of Andre the Giant.

Over the course of the series Buzz’s mysterious back story will be fleshed out through a sequence of flashbacks that depict his time in Afghanistan and a brief stint as head chef at the Forest Hill Wetherspoons.