Nonce Wing
British sitcom based on the humorous exploits of a sex offender who discovers he has the ability to fly.
Set in and around Plumstead, South London, the show stars Shaun Williamson as the hapless creep ‘Naughty Brian’. He spends his days (and nights) attempting to lay siege to the local primary school. His efforts are regularly thwarted by the heroic caretaker of Lee Ryan Elementary, Buzz Brasserie (portrayed by Jon Barrowman). Backed by a strong supporting cast, the series chronicles Naughty Brian’s persistent failures to achieve sexual gratification and his numerous run ins with the irrepressible Buzz Brasserie.
Naughty Brian (Shaun Williamson)
Discovered he could fly when being chased around the canteen by a fellow Belmarsh inmate wielding an improvised shank. He managed to escape his attacker by miraculously hovering 15 feet in the air. His escape was short-lived, and he was grounded when doused with the contents of industrial serving pot of scolding-hot beef bourguignon. Whilst serving the rest of his term in the confines of the nonce wing (see title), Brian discovered that he could develop his previously latent psycho kinetic powers through simple mental exercises such as Sudoku, humorous riddles and Dr Kawashima's Brain Training game on the Nintendo DS.
On his release Brian honed his flying skills by practising in his local park, with the assistance from his mates in the local nonce ring. They would assist him in his training by flying child-shaped kites into the sky for Brian to attack in mid-air. Brian likes to sport a flying cap and goggles when attempting to gain access to grounds of Lee Ryan Elementary.
Naughty Brian has several catchphrases that he employs throughout the series, including:
· “Who wants hot sauce?”
· “Playtime is over”
· “Why was I born?”
· In a patois accent: “I will teef all yah lickle babies!”
Desperate Dawn (Cheryl Fergison)
Characterised by her bovine face, lack of self-esteem and addiction to saturated fats, Dawn is a typical ‘nonce’s moll’. She craves male attention and manages to find it in the most unsuitable places. This has led her to seeking gratification in the arms/wings of a sex offender who has learnt how to fly. Dawn assists Brian in his sex quest by preparing unimaginative packed-lunches and keeping his lair in a serviceable condition.
The exact nature of Brian and Dawn’s relationship is never made entirely clear during the series, but is often subtly alluded to.
Sample scene:
Dawn and Brian are sitting on park bench eating a packed lunch
Brian: What’s in this sandwich Dawn?
Dawn: Mince.
Brian: But I asked for coronation chicken, why do you always do this to me?
Dawn: I thought you may fancy a change.
Brian: Well that’s just it; it isn’t a change is it? Mince, mince, mince every fucking day!
Dawn: Why did you even need to ask what was in the sandwich then? You knew it was mince in there.
Brian: I was being sarcastic, couldn’t you tell from my tone? Where’s my Penguin?
Dawn: I thought we would save pudding for later this evening.
Brian: I wouldn’t really count a penguin as a pudding Dawn…
Cut to a tearful Brian lying in foetal position at the foot of a chaise longue. In the background a nude Dawn, illuminated by the kitchen light, is wiping herself down with a chequered dish cloth decorated with a map of the Isle of Wight.
Mrs Fletcher (Amanda Holden)
With her delusions of grandeur and ongoing battle against alcoholism, the fragile, faded beauty Jane Fletcher is Plumstead’s answer to Blanche DuBois. As Headmistress of Lee Ryan Elementary, she attempts provide firm and loving guidance to both staff and pupils alike. Unfortunately her performance in this role is frequently compromised by her drink-fuelled attacks on those under her tutelage. Mrs Fletcher often uses her school assemblies as a platform from which she can air her many grievances. One such assembly, originally billed as a tribute to Diwali, consisted of no more than a protracted rant detailing the numerous failings of a docile 8 year-old pupil at the school. Mrs Fletcher persistently referred to boy in question as a “cabbage head”, and at one point implored his classmates to “rush him until he bleeds”.
While not the sexual force she once was, Mrs Fletcher still has a certain j' nais se quois (most of the male teachers would still have a go). She has a number of extremely brief, sexual relationships in the show and frequently refers to herself a "try-sexual" (meaning she'll try anything once). This phrase was stolen from Samantha Jones on Sex and the City. However, unlike SATC’S baudy Samantha, Mrs Fletcher’s confident facade and dismissive approach to love do not hide a sensitive, caring side. When no longer amused by a lover, Mrs Fletcher will awake her partner from their slumber by extinguishing her post-coital Camel light on their flaccid, seeping penis.
Buzz Brasserie (John Barrowman)
Jon Barrowman delivers a powerful performance as Buzz Brasserie. Charismatic, muscular, and a prolific womaniser, Buzz is a retired marine who has relocated to South East London in order to enjoy his twilight years after a traumatic final tour in Afghanistan.
Buzz has a varied arsenal at his disposal which he uses to protect the pupils at Lee Ryan Elementary. Weapons he has used to repel Naughty Brian include a crossbow, tear gas bazooka, hang gliding Orangutan and the reanimated corpse of Andre the Giant.
Over the course of the series Buzz’s mysterious back story will be fleshed out through a sequence of flashbacks that depict his time in Afghanistan and a brief stint as head chef at the Forest Hill Wetherspoons.
